


breathing is hard with you (you know what you do)

by ladyofdecember



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bars and Pubs, Changnesia, Chuncan, Dave Matthews Band - Freeform, Fluff, Friendship, Loneliness, M/M, Marijuana, Romance, Save Greendale Committee - Freeform, season five
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7773670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyofdecember/pseuds/ladyofdecember
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during season 5 when Ian returns to Greendale. Ben Chang isn't at all how Ian remembers him. Has he really been gone that long? Suddenly, friendly and even a bit pathetic, Ian takes pity on him and begins to spend time with him. A lot of references to Dave Matthews Band. Bits of Changnesia. A lot of angsty, emotionally repressed situations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my attempt at an in-depth fic about Ian and Ben getting together. It's set sometime around season 5, just after Ian returns from England when they're both a part of the Save Greendale Committee.

Ian watched, from the driver's seat of his car, as several people came and went from the small liquor store that sat on the corner. All those souls, some hanging their head in shame, others looking very gleeful that it was indeed friday and after 5pm. They seemed to be very much looking forward to the weekend.

He watched a moment longer before climbing out and heading inside the store as well. He didn't take long. He knew exactly what he wanted and where it was located, having been there too many times to count.

Grabbing a single bottle of Merlot off the shelf, he quickly recalculated his weekend plans and decided to grab one more just to be safe. Heading back towards the front of the store, he paused along the way down the middle aisle deciding to grab a bottle of scotch as well. It never hurts to be prepared.

As Ian stood in line at the register, behind countless others who were waiting to pay, a thought occurred to him. Perhaps, he should call up Jeff and see if he'd be game for a night of drinking over at his place. He did have that big screen TV. Maybe they could watch another Liverpool match?

As he drove home, he let his mind consider picking up the phone and texting his friend but something deep inside him kept him from reaching out. Ultimately, he spent the night in his apartment alone, downing not just one of the bottles of Merlot but half of the second one too. He passed out on the couch, unconcerned about the insane amount of stiffness he'd suffer in his neck the next day. 

…

On saturday, Ian rose from slumber finally around 1pm. Well, that's inaccurate. He'd actually woke up several times in order to use the loo, first around 4am, then later a little after nine. But soon 1 o'clock rolled around and he realized that he was, quite literally, sleeping his weekend away and forced himself to struggle upward from his slumped position on his couch to start the day.

Breakfast was a sloppily put together ham sandwich, no condiments, just white bread and cheap grocery store sandwich meat. He wasn't a fancy man. 

While his brain tried to remind him that he should be eating better, that he wasn't in his twenties anymore (and hadn't been for quite some time), another voice distinct from the first told him 'fuck it!' and so he went about his day.

After eating and having a quick shower, he leaned against his bathroom counter and stared into the steamy mirror. His hair was a mess, sticking up in all corners. He wiped away a bit of the steam and sighed.

What was he doing with his life? This wasn't the way he'd expected it to turn out. Actually, sometime around two years ago he'd realized that he'd stopped caring how his life was turning out.

The mirror began to steam up again. Ian took a deep breath and let it out slowly, hanging his head in defeat.

…

Ah yes, an ice cold can of beer. A brewski, as the yankees called it. There was nothing that felt better on a hot afternoon. And yes, maybe he felt a little strange popping open a cold one at 2:30pm while alone at home but hey, he worked hard, he deserved a little R&R sometimes.

Sinking down onto the couch, he guzzled a bit of the liquid before setting it on the table beside him. His phone began to buzz harmoniously and he reached down to retrieve it.

The screen was illuminated with the text displaying that there was an incoming call. A simple glance at it brought a sense of dread to the pit of his stomach. Going against his better judgment, he sighed resignedly and thumbed the button to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Duncan! Hey man, how's it goin'?” A cheery voice rang out from the other end. Ian wanted to face palm.

“Uh... hello Chang. What do you want?”

A decidedly less excited Chang responded. “Well, I was just wondering what you were up to today?”

“Drinking.” The professor responded humorlessly and then punctuated that with another long swig from the cold metal can.

“Want some company?”

“Why would I want company from you of all people?”

Chang shrugged from his spot in front of the college. He was one of the few people hanging around on a saturday. With only monday through friday classes offered, most students took advantage of not having to be at the campus more than what was necessary. But then, he had literally nowhere to be. “I can bring booze over!”

The brit considered this thought. Sure he didn't really want to have to put up with the man but he was running dangerously low on supplies, having almost completely decimated his wine stock. And maybe the annoying twat would only stay for a little while, leaving behind the drinks and giving him an ample opportunity for a great saturday night in.

Downing the rest of the can of beer, Ian nodded to himself. “Alright, agreed. I'll give you my address.”

“No need, already got it.”

Ian blinked as he stared out into oblivion. “I'm... I'm sorry?”

“I... already know it.” Chang said sheepishly.

“How the hell do you know where I live?!”

“Gotta go!” He responded quickly before hanging up, leaving a distraught and highly worried Ian to stare incredulously at his phone for several moments afterwards.

Best get another couple of beers in. This was going to be one hell of an afternoon.

…

Throwing his head back to down the rest of the bottle neck, he slams the beer down with a finality that seems far too dramatic for the moment. Chang watches him in surprise before turning to his own drink, a simple glass of Merlot, which he sips at with curiosity.

“This is... a great night!” Ian declares triumphantly, with an expanse of his arms.

Chang looks around the small apartment, noting the severe lack of décor. “Is there a reason why it's so... beige?”

“Fuck you!” Two beers in and he was already getting rowdy and loud at any given excuse. 

The asian man shrugged sheepishly. “I just mean there's not a lot of pictures or art or anything. Isn't there anything, you know, you like? Any interests?”

“You're just trying to get me to lower my guard!” The psychologist says, shaking a firm finger at the man and trying fruitlessly to get the very last drops from his beer bottle out.

Finally, he stands, staggering a bit and heads to the kitchen for another beer. “You just want to find out information... i-i-information about me so you can use it!”

Standing up to follow him, Chang blinked curiously from behind. “No, I'm not. Besides, I already know like tons of stuff about you. I don't really need to pry, you know what I'm sayin'?”

Downing the rest of the wine, he set the glass down and watched as the brit grabbed another beer for him. He then reached out to grab Chang's wine glass and refilled it as well, without hesitation. “I don't think you know me at all. For instance, where was I born?”

“Birmingham.” He said, shrugging nonchalantly.

Ian gaped at him. “Okay... uh well, what is my favorite band?”

“Dave Matthews!” He answered abruptly.

The psychologist made a face then sipped at his wine suspiciously. “Hmm...” 

After a moment he seemed to come to some sort of decision, the likes of which he kept to himself. “Drinking and being alone, two things that define me to be sure.” 

Chang frowned at him in puzzlement. “You're a really good teacher, that's something.”

“I am?” Ian asked in a shocked tone of voice. He made his way back over to the couch, Chang following closely behind.

“Okay, well, maybe not. But you're a good psychologist! You really know your stuff.”

Shrugging and trying to hide his smile behind his bottled beer he nodded. “Well... “

“Maybe you could help me. I'm not... really all that together.”

“No!“ Ian joked, still smirking as he drank.

“Hey, shut up! At least I'm willing to admit it!”

“You're right, I'm sorry. That's mean.”

“We can't all be, handsome and good looking and successful and rich... “

“I'm... not in the greatest shape.” Ian said immediately, wincing a bit at the acknowledgment. “And I'm certainly not rich! I owe my neighbor nine hundred dollars!”

He'd whispered the last bit as though the man may in fact be listening just behind the wall.

He'd been trying lately, like really trying, to get back into shape, the kind of shape he was in when he was twenty-one. He'd actually had abs at one point, a revelation which, when said out loud, now caused him even more embarrassment. 

The shorter man gave him a look. “What? You're crazy! You're in much better shape than me. I mean, just look at these abs, man!”

He reached out to grasp his waist, pinching here and there before being batted away.

“Stop that!” Ian chastised and straightened his flannel shirt, a slight blush creeping across his cheeks.

Chang shrugged and stood up from his seat, making his way across the small living room.

“Hey, why don't we go out here? It looks nice.” He said, peering through the blinds of the window.

“Nah, it's just a silly little enclosure for the balcony. Nothing to see, really.”

“But, it's a nice night. The stars are out now!” Chang said, excitedly as he glanced back at him, beaming a 100 watt smile at him.

He was feeling a bit stuffy inside the apartment and a bit nauseous. Perhaps, he should slow down on his drinking. No need to get too sick tonight.

Heart pounding, he made his way sluggishly towards the back door, following behind Chang. Ian smiled as they stepped out into the fresh night air.

“So many fireflies... “ Chang said, trailing off, his eyes alight in almost child-like glee.

Ian looked over at him and began to smile. He was kind of like a child, so innocent, in a horribly manipulative way.

They watched the formation of lightning bugs flutter about here and there, enjoying the warm, summer air.

“So what's your story anyway?” Ian asked, eyeing him with intrigue.

Chang shrugged. “I dunno, nothing special really.”

“Come on now, you wanted my help! Let me in. Tell me... what makes Chang... Chang?”

The shorter man shrugged, letting his eyes follow the patterns of light. “I like living in the moment. I feel like, at any given time, that we're all dying, right? Destined to be dust on the wind, so why not live life to the fullest?”

“That's a very healthy outlook on life!”

“Yeah, but not really conducive to any sort of life building.”

The psychologist blinked at his sudden choice of words. “That... is the wisest thing I've ever heard.”

It earned him a beaming smile. “Really?”

“Yeah. It's smart. Like, how can you successfully build a life of meaning and one of financial fortitude for example if you are focusing on living in the present moment? Like you can't plan for the future if you're living from moment to moment!”

“Exactly!”

“Yeah!” Ian beamed back at him. “It's why I haven't excelled in anything. Well, it's one of many reasons I guess. The foremost being my bitch of a mother.”

“Oh?”

He waved off the statement with another swig of the merlot he had. “Meh. It's not worth getting into.”

The asian man moved closer to him. Although he was trying to be nonchalant about it, Ian definitely noticed. “You should tell me about it sometime. Maybe next time, over some more drinks?”

Ian glanced down at him, as if considering. “Sure, why not?”

And Chang grinned.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been more than a week since they'd hung out. Sure, they saw each other at school and at the annoyingly upbeat “Save Greendale” committee meetings they were both members of but they hadn't really had a chance to talk. That was why, on a friday night, against his better judgment, he'd accepted an text invitation out from the man.

“So why oh why, did you insist on coming out to this bar? Especially when we could have easily completed the task of getting wasted at home?” Ian said into his bottleneck with a tone of disgust.

Chang was currently watching a few of the women leaning up against a jukebox but he quickly turned his attention back to the secret object of his affection. “I thought it'd be good for us. For you.”

“For me? In what way?” Ian laughed at his own inside joke and irony, something Chang wasn't quite able to pick up on.

“Don't you like to go out and be sociable?”

“Not particularly.” He said honestly, downing the rest of the beer and feeling a sudden head rush come about.

Everything was beginning to grow fuzzy around the edges in that delicious way it does when you've had just the right amount of alcohol. He felt warm, hot even and a little claustrophobic. He wondered if his cheeks were red with the rush of blood flow.

Wobbling back and forth as they stood there in the midst of the crowd, the alcohol surging through his veins, Ian felt more and more drunk as the seconds ticked on. The beginnings of gray began to poke at the outer edges of his vision, reminding him of just how much he'd imbibed.

And he had to pee like a racehorse too.

That was the problem with alcohol, the more you drank, the more it begged to get out of you.

“I've gotta... uh, go to the restroom.” Ian leaned in and shouted in Chang's ear over the music which seemed to be rampaging in volume now. The man gave him a nod and a thumbs up and he was off, stumbling around the bar to make his way towards this elusive bathroom.

He hoped no one noticed just how unstable he was as he walked. Fearing multiple eyes on him, he made his way as hastily as possible. Perhaps, taking a leak would help him get his bearings about him once more.

…

Having settled that and made his way back to where Chang was, Ian was feeling better. Still, that feeling of slightly sick to your stomach mixed with an overwhelming sense of having an extraordinary time was right in his wheelhouse. He was used to it, like a familiar blanket or a childhood friend. Tonight was a good night.

“So, being sociable, eh?” Ian joked, stumbling a bit over his own feet as he noted the way Chang was ignoring nearly everyone in the bar and simply standing alone. The music was insanely loud in the place and he couldn't ignore the creeping headache that was threatening to overtake his senses.

“Come on.” Chang said into his ear, a small smile on his face as he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to help stabilize him. What a kind man. What a decent human being he was.

Ian laughed at the sudden thought, wavering a bit from the sudden rush of the room. It must be the strobe lights, they were making him feel a bit off kilter. He must be completely off his rocker to have those kind of thoughts about this man. This man was definitely not kind. He was a psychopath.

Chang gave him a small smile and took his arm in his own, seeming to lead him out of the crowded main room and down a hallway. Ian followed without question, feeling very much in the moment, just happy to be out and about and living life to the fullest. Chang was right, he supposed. It was fun to go out.

They stopped at the end of a hallway where Chang led him into a smallish room. There were a few other people gathered in there, who had mostly been using the privacy of the forgotten place to make out. With their sudden appearance, most of them left however, squeezing by them to leave through the only door the two came through.

Chang sat down at a table and stared up at Ian expectantly to do the same. After a slight dizzy spell, he too sat down opposite him at the small table. He grinned goofily at the asian man until he spoke up.

“So, quite a place, huh?”

Ian nodded, feeling a bit woozy as he did so, caught up in the feel good juice and feel good vibes he was currently rocking.

“I've wanted to come here for a long time. I keep hearing about it but I never have anybody that wants to go with me.”

Well, that wasn't fair. And that wasn't nice! Why wouldn't someone want to go with him? Chang was a perfectly nice guy. Well, okay, he was a psychopath, granted, but surely someone could look past all that and get to know the real Chang?

“I guess most people find me kind of off putting. I dunno... “ Chang trailed off into a quiet murmur, far too low in decibel over the still pounding loud beats of the music of the club. It struck the psychologist that he seemed awfully sober and tried to rack his brain to remember if the man had even been drinking along with him. Was he drinking alone? Well, he was an alcoholic.

Ian nodded again, although he was unsure as to what he was actually agreeing with, too distracted to pay attention. He leaned in closer to the man, elbows and then forearms on the table. Suddenly, with striking realization, he queried, “Where's my drink? I don't... I don't know where my drink's gone!”

Ben laughed heartily, completely entertained by the british man's forgetfulness. “You drank it! It's gone.”

“Oh.” The man said dourly, staring down at the rough texture of the table. It was metallic by nature and had many scratches and dings upon it. He idly wondered just how many people had banged on it then immediately withdrew his hands in disgust and realization as Ben laughed some more.

He leaned in close then, suddenly serious, elbows on the table and Ian wondered distantly if he were going to try to kiss him. It was a crazy thought and the minute it occurred to him, he shrugged it off. Instead, Ben simply smiled friendly enough and continued, “I just wanted someone to hang out with tonight, you know? I don't have many friends. Not... any, really.”

Ian felt terrible then, a sudden pang of sadness struck deep within his heart. He looked at the man, well into his late thirties, possibly early forties and felt real sympathy for him. They're weren't that dissimilar to be honest. Well, except he was a raving lunatic. But, to each his own, you know?

“Well, that makes two of us.” He said, raising an empty glass bottle he found on the table next to them in salute then frowning at the lack of alcohol within.

Chang grinned and held up a hand to the nearby waitress signaling for some drinks.

…

He was laughing, nearly crying even, at the joke the chinese man had just made. And then a minute later he'd nearly forgotten it, all at once. That was the joy of drinking, the joy of alcoholism. Always being present, always being in the moment.

Maybe he romanticized it which wasn't healthy but in all his studies of people he'd learned that everyone needs a thing. It just so happens that his thing is drinking.

Ian sipped at the cold, aluminum can in his hand, happy eyes peering above the rim over at his friend. Wait... friend? Was Chang a friend now? My god, how the mighty have fallen.

“Alright! Let's get some shots, huh?” Ben said excitedly and began waving his arms at the nearby waiter. He'd been insisting he call him by his first name all night but Ian was itching to call him Teacher Chang instead, reminiscent of their past together and always happy to get under the man's skin.

Still, Chang... Ben, seemed really different now. Maybe he'd been gone for too long, caught up in the happenings of his home country and busy with his mother. Maybe his memories of the man were clouded and incorrect. Maybe he'd always been this nice?

Ian glanced at his watch. “Oh my god, it's 1:30am?! I have a class in the morning! I'm... I'm really messed up. I should go.”

Ben frowned, a look of concern crossing his face and seriousness overtaking his whole demeanor. “Okay buddy, well we'll go then, if that's what you want.”

As the two stood up and went about getting ready to go, Ian glanced down at the significantly shorter man in befuddlement. This man was so different from the one he'd known years ago. Could it be he changed that much? Or was it he who had changed?

Ben grinned up at him easily. “Ready?”

And suddenly Ian forgot his concerns entirely, beaming back down at him dizzily. “Yup.”

...

It was raining pretty hard once they stumbled outside onto the sidewalks of the city, trying to make their way back to the professor's smart car. Ian swore under his breath and wished he'd brought some sort of umbrella with him.

Once they got to the car, he angrily punched down on the unlock button on his key chain, failing several times and simply locking the car due to his inebriation. But finally, they were both safe and sound and out of the downpour inside the tiny blue car.

Ben looked at him anxiously and it struck Ian once more that he had definitely drank more than the man. He almost seemed sober!

“Hey... you want me to drive? I'm totally cool for it!” And then he grinned and Ian found his resolve melting entirely for some reason.

He blinked a bit at the steering wheel, the storm outside sounding louder and louder as the seconds ticked on. “Well, I suppose it is raining a bit hard... I... “

He watched as Ben placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, smiling kindly at him. “I don't mind!”

What the hell? The man seemed more than capable at the moment and he really couldn't afford another tangle with the law, no matter how good Jeff's lawyering had been in the past.

They got out, regrettably back into the rainstorm and switched sides. Ian sunk down into the passenger seat, thankful since he now felt the alluring pull of sleep surrounding him. He shut his eyes and listened to the sounds of the man starting the ignition and turning on some soft music.

As he felt the pull of gravity and knew they must be on their way, he quickly succumbed and fell in to a deep sleep.

 


	3. Rhyme & Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided I'm going to write the next various chapters based off of songs from the Dave Matthews Band album, Under The Table And Dreaming, since they are one of Ian's favorite bands. A lot of the songs eerily seem to fit the aesthetic of Chang and Duncan as well I like to think. 
> 
> Some other notes; I like the idea of Chang having to balance all that he's lost over the years with a bit of amnesia and disconnection to that former life he used to live. That, coupled with Ian's absence and struggle to figure out what's going on I think is just so perfect. Also, the idea of Chang being granted parole and another teaching position at Greendale plus housing is amazingly lucky and obviously a part of living in fictional sitcom land instead of reality.
> 
> ...
> 
> So young and here I am again  
> Talking to myself  
> A T.V. blares  
> Oh man  
> Oh how I wish I didn't smoke  
> Or drink to reason with my head  
> \--Rhyme & Reason, Dave Matthews Band

When he awoke they were parked in front of his apartment, his car still being battered by the rain and Ben watching him calmly.

“Were you watching me sleep?” He asks and it comes out harsher than he'd intended.

He watches as the man cringes a bit and forces himself to turn away. Pulling the keys out of the ignition, he hands them over to him, avoiding his gaze now completely. “Here.”

Ian blinks sleepily at the outstretched arm for a second before clumsily taking them. He doesn't move from the passenger seat though and instead slumps down even more, considering just passing out again.

It's quiet, except for the sound of the rain on the metal and Ian glances back at the teacher. And a moment later, even he can't believe the words that are pouring out of his mouth. “D'you want to come in?”

Ben looks shocked but soon that look is replaced with a happy smile. “Uh... sure!”

They get out of the tiny car and do a bit of a jog to Ian's door, not wanting to get soaked. He fumbles with his key in the doorway and has to attempt more than twice to unlock it but soon they're in, shutting the door firmly to keep the storm outside.

…

“It's... it's alright, really.”

Ian looks at the newly crowned math teacher and gives him a skeptical pull of his face. “Really? You're fine with living at the school?”

Ben shrugged and looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Well, I have nowhere else to go so... “

“I could help you find some cheap apartments. Hell, this place is dirt cheap. Why do you think I live here?”

The shorter man watches him as he's moving back and forth from the bookshelf to the couch that he himself is sitting on. He's gathering the necessary components to smoke weed and he's downright shocked that the psychologist even engaged in such a thing. Well, not that shocked.

Ben shrugged and looked away, wanting to change the subject. “No, it's... that's okay. I don't have enough for an apartment.”

Sensing the sudden change in his demeanor, the brit lets it go and finishes loading a bowl for them to smoke. It's nothing fancy, just a small glass water pipe that he likes to use. It's much easier than a bong.

“Want to take the first hit?” He says, offering it other to him with a smile.

It's going on 2am but he doesn't really care, can't care. His brain is thinking too much again and it's all he can do to relax and try to take it off the rails once more. 

Ben looks from his hand to his smiling face and matches it with a wide one of his own. He takes the lighter and begins lighting the bowl, inhaling the smoke.

Ian takes the opportunity to turn on some 'Dave' and dimming the lights a bit before sitting down and kicking his red socked feet up on the coffee table.

Ben coughs a bit and then hands the pipe back to the man. “Nice. I didn't know you smoked, brah? Why don't we ever hang out?”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, for the longest time, you've been nothing but a nuisance and just a general pain in my ass.” He glanced at the man on his right and at the crestfallen look upon his face, shrugged and gave a little smile. “But, I suppose that's all in the past. You're... so different now. Why is that?”

“I dunno, I mean, I'm told that a lot of things happened. I was Kevin for a while.”

“Kevin?” Ian asks before lighting a bowl as well.

“Yeah... those were strange times. Anyway, now I'm just thankful that I'm included as part of the group. I have friends.” He finishes with a smile and a shrug.

Passing the pipe back, Ian sinks back into the couch cushions a bit, enjoying the feel of calm wash over him. He's only vaguely aware of the man next to him as he lights up another bowl too.

The sounds of Rhyme & Reason are filling the room from somewhere behind him and he closes his eyes to just listen to the sound of the melody.

He's feeling really good, like really really good at this point and doesn't know exactly when his internal thoughts transfer over into spoken words but suddenly he's aware that Ben can hear them as well.

“Yeah, this is the best night ever.” Ben chuckles, slumping back into the couch cushions as well, his head leaning back so he can stare up at the ceiling, his hands folded over his stomach.

Ian opens his eyes and lazily glances over at him. “This is so weird. Who woulda thought you 'n me woulda gotten along?”

Ben smiles at him, his head lolling to the side. “I always knew we'd get along. You're so awesome! I just... wanted to be your friend since the beginning. But you... you were always so busy... “

“Busy?” He barks with laughter at the absurdity. “I've never been busy! I have no life whatsoever. I'm alone. I hate my job and I put literally no effort in it.”

Blinking at him almost speechlessly, Ben sits up straight then and puts a hand on his shoulder in what he hopes is seen as comforting. Ian slowly becomes aware of it, his eyes slowly moving to look at his face and all of a sudden he feels like he's far too close and it's too much. Sitting up straight as well and scooting a few inches farther away from him on the expanse of the couch, he coughs uncomfortably, thinking that he could do with something to drink for his dry mouth. He makes no measure to move though, almost paralyzed in the awkward moment between them.

When he looks at the math teacher again, he notices that he's distracted and staring off into space languidly. Ian inhales deeply through his nose and worries that it's maybe too loud. Spotting the remote to the speakers on the table in front of them, he lunges out for it and cranks up the volume to the music. Damn the neighbors, this was his apartment anyway. It shouldn't matter how loud he is, although the idea of cops being called on them causes him to adjust it slightly lower anyway.

“I'm on parole.” Ben suddenly blurts, still staring at the far corner of the room quietly.

“What?!” Ian nearly shouts, for some reason feeling panic overtake him. Can he read his thoughts?

Chang stands up and shrugs, beginning to pad over to his kitchen for a drink. Ian can only watch him go, astonished that he has the flexibility to do so. He's high out of his mind.

“I'm on parole. I could go back to jail. I'll probably be going back to jail soon.” He continues as he searches his cabinets for a glass to get some water.

Ian turns away from him, sinking back down into the couch cushions and trying to quiet down his pounding heart. He considers having some wine but wonders if that might kill him. Maybe just some-

“Here.” Ben says, holding out a large yellow plastic cup to him. It's filled with ice water and as he takes it from him, he wonders again if the man can read his mind.

The chinese man sits back down next to him, his own ice water in hand and they sit silently sipping for a moment before Ian remembers what he'd been saying. “Wait... you smoke weed and you're on parole? Aren't you... don't you have a drug test?”

Ben frowns at him and shrugs again, just busying himself with gulping down the water now.

Ian is shocked and continues staring at the man, mouth agape, demanding an answer. When none comes, he shuts his mouth and stares down at the ugly plastic cup. He wonders where his pipe went off to before spotting it there on the small table in front of them.

He feels fearful for the man then, considering everything that he's been through and wonders why he isn't more concerned about such a thing. Sitting the cup down on the table, he isn't sure why he ends up slamming it down loudly instead, before turning to the man who is... what exactly? His friend? His co-worker? Just an acquaintance? 

“Ben, you can't keep doing this. You're going to go to jail!” He hears himself say.

His friend sits his own cup of water on the table as well and shifts to face the psychologist. “I really don't care. Does it matter what happens to me? My life goes up and it goes down and I'm all over the place. Besides... for a psychology professor with a drinking problem, you're one to talk.”

Ian blinked at him, unable to believe the sudden change in tone. He felt anger burn deep in his chest as he stared at him. “What?! You... you're ridiculous! You're bloody ridiculous!”

Ben shrugged, a look of detachment washing over his face as he reached out for the pipe and a lighter once more. Lighting up, he began to smoke a bowl as Ian stood from his seat finally, stretching his arms and legs. His eyes somehow found the clock on the far wall and realized it was after 4am already.

A voice in the back of his mind reminded him of class in the morning and he felt a sense of panic once more until another voice reminded him it was saturday not monday and so he calmed down. 

Ian looked down at Ben who had set the pipe back down and was coughing quietly to himself. He felt bad for the man, maybe he'd been too harsh with him. After all, it'd been a good two years since he'd even seen the man. Maybe things had changed. 

He watched cautiously as Ben began wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, suddenly startled with the knowledge that the man was crying. Okay, scratch that, things had definitely changed.

Ian sat back down, causing Ben to try to immediately stand up and move away from him but he didn't dare let him. He grasped at either of his biceps and pulled him close to face him.

Ben frowned, biting his lip a bit as the psychologist stared into his dark brown eyes which had grown red from either the late hour or the weed, whichever. 

“I'm sorry I was such a bloody jerk.” Ian mumbled, not realizing what his own thumbs were doing, caressing the man's arms through the thin fabric of the pale blue shirt.

“s'Okay.”

“You're... I really think we should hang out more. I don't have any friends. You should be my friend.”

What was he even saying anymore? Everything was hazy, even the apartment air itself, cloudy with a layer of smoke filling it. The music of Dave Matthews was still playing in the background, the playlist on an infinite loop. Ben was inching closer to him, he realized with a start, his attention snapping back to the teacher in front of him.

Was he going to kiss him again? That is, attempt to? His mind reminded him that he hadn't actually yet and that was just a pleasant fantasy he had retreated to late at night a few times since coming back to Greendale. It was odd and yet, it wasn't the oddest fantasy he'd concocted over the years. Whatever gets you there, right?

Ian licked his lips and Ben's eyes immediately flocked to them, no longer intensely focused on his bespectacled eyes. He was going to offer the man a place to stay for the night (or morning) but the math teacher interrupted him by rushing forward, pushing his bracing arms off of his own and kissing him squarely on the mouth.

He didn't protest when his arms fell to the wayside and he certainly wasn't now that the man was kissing him. To be honest, it'd been all he'd wanted since they started hanging out, no matter if he had been less than forthcoming about admitting it to himself. So, he didn't protest even when Ben pushed him backwards down onto the couch fully and began to climb over him.

They made out, his tongue seeking out his own and brushing against it in a delicious way that seemed like too much too soon but left him tingly all over. The music in the background began to crescendo with the chorus of the song and Ian brought his hands up to bury themselves in the man's jet black hair. Ben's leg kicked out from the movements and kicked the table, knocking over not one but both of their waters and the pipe as well.

He pulled away, distractedly. “Oh shit!”

Pouting at the loss of warmth and body contact, Ian frowned as his mind began to feel painfully sober and alert. He didn't like this feeling.

Ben was worriedly trying to clean up the pipe whose ashes had spilled over onto the table surface and were mixing with the water. “Uh, paper towels?”

Ian blinked languidly for a moment before sitting up in defeat. His hard on wasn't going to get any attention tonight apparently, the moment was completely gone. Awkwardly pulling at his tight pants, he stomped over to the kitchen, stumbling and nearly falling at least once before returning with an entire roll.

Ben snatched it from him and began tearing sheets off to clean up the table. The brit stood, watching him, arms crossed over his chest in frustration at their brief moment of passion which was lost.

Once satisfied with the table, he looked up at the englishman sheepishly. “Oops.”

“Oops.” Ian nodded, solemnly and suddenly it was awkward again between them. He reached down to pick up the stereo remote control and clicked the music off with a finality.

Ben chuckled uncomfortably and stood. “Well, I guess I should go. Uh... “

“No, no.” The professor said but didn't elaborate more. He dropped the remote on the table so it clattered loudly in the now silent apartment. He wondered if his neighbors were now breathing a sigh of relief at the quiet.

“It's kinda late... “

Ian faced him once more and grasped at his arms again, telling him firmly, “You're staying here. Sleeping in a closet is no way to live.”

“It's not that bad really-”

“No!” He interrupted. “I mean it, you're staying here, in a warm bed with warm... warm sheets.“

Ben blushed at the implications that began filling his mind, still held in place by the younger man. They were both sobering up quite quickly, increasing the weirdness that hung in the air.

The taller man must have realized how his statement sounded because he quickly blurted, “Oh not with me! I mean... unless... you know, uh... I just meant you can have my bed. Alone! You can sleep in my bed... alone.”

“Okay... “ Ben said quietly and a little unsure and so Ian let go and backed away from him completely, wondering if it was the pot that was making the night awkward or if it were just him being him.

“Seriously, I'll just crash here on the couch. It's late and I'm tired. It's not the first time I've slept on this thing, trust me.”

A few more clumsy moments between them and then they were each in their respective “beds”. It only took Ben five minutes before he was able to peacefully fall asleep. The mattress was insanely comfortable.

Ian, on the other hand, spent the better part of an hour just staring at his popcorn ceiling in disarray. He shut his eyes and tried not to think about how dark and off putting his life had become. He was 39 years old, dammit, when were things going to pick up?


	4. The Song That Jane Likes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think Chang was lying about having "Changnesia". I think there are definitely gaps in his memory from experimental monkey pox and thus he has forgotten a lot of the crazy things he's done in the past. That plus his emotionally scarring divorce caused his mind to kind of glaze over some things. So, his having Changnesia is a mix of his lying to people to cover up gaps in his memory along with his wanting to belong and be forgiven for things. His wanting to be Kevin is his way of starting over but also dealing with not being able to remember things.
> 
> And I'll be back 'round again  
> Yes I'll walk in time with you old friend  
> And we'll find that place  
> That we had danced so long ago   
> \--The Song That Jane Likes, Dave Matthews Band

After waking up around noon on saturday, Ian found that he was alone in his apartment, his messy, trashed apartment.

No, he hadn't been robbed by the man, they'd literally just gotten high as fuck and apparently trashed it. He rubbed at his face tiredly as he shuffled around the living room, picking up the cups and hiding the water pipe and lighter once more in his bookshelf.

Drinking about a gallon of water to satisfy his dry mouth, he wondered just when Ben had snuck out and why, why had he snuck out? Perhaps, he had misread their whole situation. Maybe the man was just looking to have a good time and it hadn't been that serious a kiss?

Ian sighed, leaning against his kitchen sink, feeling miserable. His stomach rumbled and he thought he ought to find something to eat.

…

Monday morning was brutal. He'd hardly gotten any sleep over the weekend and wasn't that always the case? He'd grown used to sleeping less and less, sure enough as the degree on his office wall that it was an issue he needed to deal with but not feeling up to poking his own brain too intensely.

Ben was chatting along with Annie on the other side of the table and Ian tried not to stare too longingly at him.

God, he was so endearing. He really was. What was it about him now that made him so appealing? Was it his inquisitive nature or the way he seemed super interested in whatever dumb thing was coming out of your mouth? He was so damned happy, like a puppy.

Ian shook his head, almost as if to shake himself out of whatever reverie it was he was in and forced himself to pay attention to the meeting they were in. The committee was practically worthless when it came to getting anything done at the school but now and again they did have their small victories. It was important he guessed.

Britta was currently arguing with Jeff, except you couldn't really tell because of the way she was smiling and her eyes were crinkling up in that way they do. Ian felt a painful tug at his heart, just looking at her. He had felt real feelings for her, albeit robot like feelings seeing as he was, as she put it, a cold, heartless being, obsessed with himself. If she were going to be with anyone, he supposed, it should be Jeff. Jeff was a good guy, well, most of the time, anyway.

Speaking of Jeff, he was standing up now and shouting above everyone else's shouts of irritation, trying to calm the crowd. Everyone seemed to be in a tizzy of some sort. He hadn't really been paying attention. He really needed some sleep dammit and he could be dozing in his office right this very moment, were it not for this damn committee. 

Ian watched as Ben began laughing gleefully at the events unfolding, now standing up as well and then just climbing up on to his chair instead. 

Enough of this. Ian cleared his throat, "Excuse me!"

Nothing. No one looked at him, not one. They continued arguing amongst each other as Hickey left the study room in a huff. Abed began filming everyone.

He tried again, this time standing as well. "Excuse me?! Ladies and gents!"

Ben stopped laughing hysterically and stared at him abruptly. The others slowly quieted down as well, beginning to pay attention to him.

Ian looked at them like they were all mad and so he asked them, "Are you all mad?! We are supposed to be discussing the plans to restore the Luis statue just outside. Now... who has a legitimate idea that can actually help us work towards this?"

All at once, the group started up again chattering and shouting. The professor rubbed at his eyes beneath his glasses. "You know what? I don't need this! I... I really don't! Good luck to ya!"

And with that, he gathered up his briefcase, spun on his heel and headed out the door.

The group stared in silence as Ben jumped down from his chair with a flourish. "Yeah! We don't need this! Good luck you morons!" He announced before hurrying after the man.

After a moment, Jeff laughed. “Well, that was weird.”

The others nodded in agreement.

…

He was frustrated to say the very least. He was overworked, tired, fed up with his general lot in life. And now, he was being forced to deal with all these new emotions and feelings for this man who just a few years ago had literally assaulted him. Thinking back on the time, he grew angry, remembering how literally no one seemed to care. Ridiculous.

His office door, which he had so thoughtfully shut in an attempt to be alone, came bursting open and in came his assailant himself. 

“So... we really told them, huh?” Ben was all smiles, cheerfully jabbing at his left arm, not noticing the sour look upon the man's face.

He directed the look at him full force to help him along. “You serious right now?”

Ben blinked at him blankly then grew silent as he watched him sit down behind his desk in a huff.

Ian, intent on ignoring the man and hoping he'd leave, began looking over some case notes for Britta, his only patient at the moment and really, the only patient he'd actually seen for years. No one seemed to need or want his services it seemed.

But Ben didn't seem to take the hint. He just stood there, rocking back and forth on his heels, playing with a small paper weight on the edge of the desk and admiring the colorful and intricately swirled glass inside.

The psychologist tried to just concentrate on his notes and ignore the smell of the man's cologne. Was he wearing extra today? It was the same as before, the same he had smelled on his neck on friday... the scent he'd been trying to forget about.

Ian licked his lips and shook his head, forcing his mind back to the case notes. He didn't want to deal with this new found relationship with the man, whatever it was. No, Ben had been right to try to leave that night, he should have left instead of staying over. At least he had left early in the morning. He tried not to think about how it affected his sleep last night, laying in bed, wondering if the man might text him again.

Ben was suddenly spinning the glass paperweight up in his hands and tossing it up in the air precariously, drawing his attention to him.

He threw the papers aside and gaped at him. “Do you mind?!”

He stopped, surprised at the sudden break in the silence and chuckled sheepishly. “Oh... uh, sorry. Here.”

Setting it down carefully back on the desk, he stood with his hands behind his back patiently as Ian stared up at him darkly. “Can I help you?”

“Well... I was just wondering, do you wanna get some lunch? There's a great Tex-Mex place-”

“No! I'm busy.”

Ben watched as he pulled some more papers out and began reading over them, keeping his head down, deep in concentration. The teacher glanced around the room at the various décor and wondered why it was so different from the man's apartment. His apartment was so sparely decorated but this office was, well, it was filled to the brim with things.

Biting his lip, he glanced at the doctor again, his eyes then falling to his nameplate sitting neatly on his desk. He picked it up to examine it closer.

A frustrated sigh left the man's mouth and he looked up once more. “What are you doing?”

Ben laughed uncomfortably. “Oh, uh, sorry. I'm just kinda bored.”

“Well, why don't you go elsewhere then?”

Shrugging and pouting a bit, he set the nameplate back down. “I just... I thought maybe we could hang out? I don't really wanna help them with their dumb statue.”

“I don't want to hang out with you, Chang! Why suddenly, are we supposed to hang out and be buddy-buddy? I implore you?!”

“Well, we have been hanging out and having fun, right? I mean-”

Ian stood up, interrupting him. “You and I have a past together. Why would I just up and forget about that? I don't want this new sort of normal that's come about. It's weird, okay? It's really weird between us now and I don't know why. I don't like it. I didn't think that being gone was going to change things. If I knew, I wouldn't have gone at all, to be honest. Now, here I am, alone and back at school and nobody cares! Not even the Dean! And you're here and you're... strange and making me...” He sighed and shook his head. “Why can't you just be the way you were before?”

Ben stared at him, taken back by his words. Internally, he worried that he may be forgetting something important that had once happened between them. He'd tried his best to piece together the past and had been semi-successful although most of his “memories” came from what others had told him. Could there be more he was missing? Granted, he did remember their fights once upon a time. They'd never really gotten along but he'd been really striving to move past that. They had, hadn't they?

“Well, I do have... some memory problems. Maybe I'm forgetting something? What are you referring to? Maybe I can try to remember.”

Ian rubbed at his eyes again, feeling what seemed like a month's worth of exhaustion come about all at once. “Don't give me that. I don't believe you. This whole Changnesia thing? It's a farce! Admit it!”

Ben shrugged and looked down. “I... I am having trouble remembering some things. I don't know what Changnesia is or if I have it. And maybe I exaggerated a bit about it, but... I just want to make things better. I want a better life than what I have. I'm trying.”

The psychologist rolled his eyes and began to try to organize his desk. Maybe he'd just head home for the day. Today was a wash. That's it, people. Go home. Today is canceled.

Ben smiled up at him. “But hey, we're friends now so that's a start right?”

"No! We're not friends! Have you learned nothing?" Ian spat as he gathered up his papers on the desk and flailed about trying to get them all to go in his briefcase in a haste. If he was flustered it was because of the lack of A/C in his small office and definitely not because of Chang. This wasn't happening. He did not have feelings for the nutcase.

"Well, yeah but I thought maybe we-"

"No! No!" The man exploded at him, giving up on the papers and knocking them to the floor in anger. He huffed at him.  
Ben gaped up at him in shock. The man was very tall, the height difference was really killing his neck but he persevered. “Ian... “ He tried, using his first name in hopes of an ice breaker. “I know I must have done some things in the past that were... unsavory... “

Ian just gave him an incredulous look but let him continue.

“I'm sorry. What can I do? Tell me what to do and I'll do it. Whatever it is, I mean it. I want to make things right.”

The brit looked down into the shorter man's eyes and saw the look of remorse deep within them. He sighed and shrugged, feeling 2 inches tall. He was a real wanker. “Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you. I just... I've been stressed out. I'm losing my mind to be honest.”

His friend reached down and began gathering up his papers for him, causing the brit to feel all the worse for shouting at the man. Ben handed him the stack of papers with a small, unsure smile on his face. 

“Thanks Ben.” Ian nodded and smiled, being sure to use his first name as well, putting away the papers in his briefcase.

Ben smiled and looked down sheepishly.

“You know, there is something you could do for me.” Ian glanced back at the clock on the wall and noted the time before turning back to him. “You could go to lunch with me to that Tex-Mex place. Maybe we could... talk more about the old days?”

And Ben was all smiles again with a renewed light shining in his eyes. “Really? Ye-yeah! Let's... let's do that!”

“And you think maybe, we could, I dunno... maybe go back and forth a bit like we used to? You know, just spar a bit?”

“I think I could reach deep down and find something... Dr. Teeth.”

“That's the stuff!”

Ian picked up his briefcase and followed the man out the door, shutting the office carefully behind them, happy to have turned another page.


	5. #34

Labor Day Weekend was awesome for so many reasons. First of all, it meant that at 5:05pm on a friday, it was all Ian could do to not jump for joy at the fact that soon he would be lost in a sea of alcohol... a three day weekend long sea of alcohol!

Currently, he was killing time by browsing people's profiles on his phone. He'd promised the dean he'd try to stick to some kind of strict “office hours” for his students and dammit, he still had 24 minutes before he could reasonably, safely, head out for the night. That man was sure to be checking up on him. He had, literally, no life.

"Three day weekend! Woo!" Benjamin Chang came crashing through his office door just then, causing him to jump a little in his desk chair.

He slammed his hands down on his desk opposite him, leaning over it and grinning madly. "Ready to get crazy with it?"

Ian cocked an eyebrow as he stared up at him. "In what way exactly?"

Ben grinned coyly. "You know... "

The brit sat back in his chair and shrugged. "Well, I am looking forward to some much needed time in front of the telly. Hoping to catch a match of Liverpool."

"Aw, that's boring! What about a night out on the town? Think about it... salsa dancing!"

"Uh... I literally can't think of anything I'd like to do less than that."

Ben looked disappointed, like really disappointed but shook it off and pressed on. "Well, what about swimming?

“Sorry?” Surely, he'd misheard him.

“Swimming! At the YMCA!”

“Yup, thought that's what you said. Wow. Uh, no. No, thank you.” 

Ben pouted. “Ugh, you never want to do anything fun!”

“I know!” Ian grinned, glancing at his phone once again and looking through the newsfeed of events. “There's a party at the Denver Hyatt tonight. Why don't we crash it? Should have free booze.”

“I guess.”

“Come on, don't be such a pansy. Free alcohol is a good thing!” Ian said, standing to gather his things. “Free alcohol means getting bombed... for free!”

Ben shrugged, not that enthused with the idea but just happy to be included in plans.

Ian had almost made it the whole hour for his 'office hours' and that was what counts, he told himself as they made their way out of the office, anxious to start their weekend.

…

The night turned out to be a bust in Ben's opinion. He could think of way better things they could have fun doing than being at some stuffy party that they weren't even invited to. He couldn't take it anymore.

"This sucks! Come on, let's go!”

“Hold... hold on, one more drink!” Ian slurred as he gulped down yet another glass of campaign he'd stolen from one of the waiters. 

“I don't want to live like this! At the top of some hoity toity tower, pretending to be some amazing professor. Pretending to be rich and fabulous and so high class! It's not who I am and it's not who you are!"

Ian pulled a look at him. "What do you mean, not who I am?" Should he be offended? The alcohol was preventing him from feeling even a little anger and so he shrugged it off.

Ben turned away and walked over to the edge of the roof. He glanced down at the city street below, several floors down. The lights of the various cars that passed by bounced across the pavement. 

The recent rain they'd had still shone on the road, the headlights shining across the lucent surface. 

"I hate this place and everything it stands for." He muttered in a tone that sounded almost contrite.

The psychologist down his drink and discarded the glass on a nearby table. The other party guests were sparse and were keeping themselves off to the side, probably due to their earlier sparring match in which they were arguing about cocktail weenies with each other.

He took a hesitant step forward and then another, placing a gentle hand on the man's shoulder until he was able to spin him around to face him. "Have I ever told you that your candor is so very refreshing?"

Ben just kept staring at him, a distraught look plastered on his face. 

He tried to read the expression of the man but the drinks he'd been downing all evening weren't helping. Something was definitely bothering him about this place and this place specifically. He just couldn't place his finger on it. Then again, trying to figure out what was going on in Ben Chang's mind nowadays seemed to be a losing battle. Trying to piece together what you knew of the man was all a moot point now anyway, due to his abrupt and complete change in personality and lack of solid memory patterns.

“Alright, let's go.” Ian nodded. “I mean it, let's get outta here. This place sucks anyway. The real party is wherever we make it, right?!”

“Alright! Party! Party! Party!” Ben began chanting happily and dancing around.

“Don't... don't do that.”

...

Back at the professor's apartment, the two had been engaging in rounds of shots together. Ben, having touted to Ian that he had never actually done a proper shot before, was now being schooled in the art by the man.

“Okay, so you got it? Have you got it?! Salt, lime, shot! Say it with me now!”

Ben grinned as he joined in, mimicking his actions with his own as they did another together. “Salt... lime... then shot! Got it.”

Whether this statement was true or not, Ian didn't really seem to care. At the moment, he was having a blast. 

After a few more shots, as they stood wobbling back and forth in his tiny kitchen, they retired to the living room with a few bottles of beer split between them, intent on relaxing.

Settling down on the snug couch together, they argued a bit over what to watch on TV with Ian ultimately placing it on some football channel Ben had never even heard of.

They drank their beers, tried not to talk too much about Greendale and then decided that snacks were in order.

Ben sighed in frustration and exhaustion, pounding his fists against the table. "You don't know that!"

“I absolutely do! I'm tellin' you, there's nowhere open!” Ian responded calmly, slurring his words together sloppily.

"C'mon! It's late and I want tacos!" Ben whined, causing a sidelong look from Ian. “Drink your beer.”  
Pouting all the more, the man downed the bottle in 2 seconds flat while the professor brought out snacks from the kitchen.  
Chowing down on some potato chips and pretzels which were now mixed together in a giant bowl, Ben turned to the younger man. “Do you think I'm crazy?”

Ian barked with laughter as he munched on some chips, staring at the TV. “Good one.”

So Ben set down the large white bowl on the table and turned to him seriously. “No, I mean it. I think... I think I need to start seeing a counselor. I'm... not well.”

“Oh.”

Setting down his own bowl as well, Ian turned to face the man. In the background, the TV continued onward, ignored by both men now.

They were both pretty inebriated and Ian's eyes were having trouble focusing at the moment. Normally, drinking made you feel good, relaxed and happy. Though it did have the tendency to sometimes bring up dark thoughts and cause emotional episodes. Ian hoped to god that this wasn't one of those times. He had too much drama in his life. He just wanted to have a good time for once.

“Why do you think that?” He tried.

“You've heard what people say about me. And... sometimes I just feel... out of control. I dunno... ”

Ian watched as the man seemed to crumple in on himself, staring distressed at his hands in his lap. 

He worried his lip. “Well, are you asking for my professional opinion?”

Ben looked up and nodded glumly.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out, the psychologist frowned at him. “How about a friendly one instead?”

When met with a blank stare, he continued. “I think that it would be a great idea for you to talk to somebody about the things that make you upset. I think that sort of thing can really help.”

Ben nodded, staring at his hands again so Ian playfully bumped against his shoulder to get him to look back up. “But it's nothing you can't handle. I think with some real forethought to the issues that are troubling you you can be happy and carefree!”

Sharing a small smile, the two of them went back to nursing their beers. Ben began to relax, feeling a bit better about the whole thing.

“Besides, I wouldn't say your crazy. It's just a part of your charm. There's never a dull moment!” Ian grinned at him and he could have sworn he saw him blush a little. Maybe it was just the beer. He must be imagining things. Yeah, that was it.

...

Ian glanced over at the man next to him and saw the way his chin had pretty much been superglued to his chest. His head bobbing up and down, Ben had fallen asleep and into a deep one at that. 

Ian smiled, cocking his head to the side a little as he did so. The man was even snoring a bit and god was it endearing.

He reached over and gently removed the large bowl of snacks from his lap to set them on the table nearby. Just as he was doing so, the man woke up.

“Huh? Where am I?” He mumbled sleepily.

Ian chuckled but didn't respond, choosing to instead down the rest of his beer and then Ben's as well as an afterthought.

Settling back into the couch cushions, the professor let his eyes glaze over at the match on telly. Ben stared tiredly ahead at the TV as well.

It was late, super late, nearing 1am already. He was feeling pretty exhausted due to a long day of work combined with a late night of drinking.

Ian, looking like he was about to nod off himself, his eyes drooping lower and lower as he stared at the TV finally decided it might be time to turn in.

Suddenly, he let out a huge yawn, reaching up to cover his mouth with his right hand. He blinked tiredly over at Ben.

"Hey... I'm going to go to bed. It's late and I can barely keep my eyes open."

Ben nodded, half-asleep as well.

Feeling the annoyingly painful affects of being sober coming about, he thought it best to just knock off.

As Ian rose from the couch and began to stumble away, he paused and then turned back to face him. His mind, heart and notably other areas of his body were giving him conflicting commands as he stared down at the asian man. 

Where was Ben going to sleep? Very dirty thoughts crept across his mind while a more rational part screamed at him to leave it alone.

Feeling too drunk to try to ration all of the ideas out, he supposed it'd just be best to be simple about things. "I'll get you some blankets for the couch... “

...

Stumbling up from the mattress, he began to weave his way around the various articles of clothing and shoes that had built up on the floor.

His leg muscles feeling tight as he took each step, he quickly sought out the kitchen. Pulling a plastic yellow cup down from the cabinet, he quickly filled it with water and began gulping it down as fast as possible. His mouth felt like a desert, dry and full of sand.

Feeling a bit better now that that task was complete, Ian turned to lean heavily on the edge of the counter. The room kept trying to go 'topsy-turvy' and everything was much too bright.

It was only when he tried to concentrate hard on the events of the night before that hazy memories slipped into his painfully sober mind. Visions of the two of them shouting 'Shots!' over and over again filled his head and the swimming feeling in hit gut began to make sense what with the overuse of tequila.  
His head ached tremendously and as he began to crack his neck from side to side, he felt gravity try to lurch him downward to the ground. Maybe he'd better sit down. Filling up his cup again with the precious fluid that is H2O, Ian staggered over to his living room couch and flopped down on it.

Everything was still too bright and just what time was it anyway? No matter, it was saturday, that much he knew for sure and he had absolutely made no plans whatsoever this weekend. No, all that there was to do would be to relax, take it easy and maybe sleep some more.

Speaking of which, Ian felt his eyelids get droopy as his body tried to convince him to go back to sleep and that he must be trying to kill himself by putting it through all of this. So Ian leaned back peacefully and shut his eyes, easily dozing off into dreamland once more.

…

The sound of the front door opening, creaking and then shutting once more was enough to wake him up finally. The professor wiped at his dry, crusty eyes with his hands, before sitting up fully to stare at one Ben Chang. The asian man was beaming at him as he made his way across the living room, carrying two white paper bags in each hand.

“Good morning!” He cheerfully sang out causing him to wince at not just the tone but the volume.

“Oh god... “

Ben set the bags down on the coffee table in front of him before cascading down onto the sofa next to Ian. The brit looked at him, eyes barely open and managed to struggle out, “It's too early for this.”

Ben looked confused. “It's 9 o'clock.”

Ian coughed a bit and groaned, sinking back down into the couch cushions and covering his eyes.

“I got us some donuts at the place down the street. Do you like twisties?” He asked as he began unpacking the bags.

“What?”

“Twisties. You know, they're the ones that are swirled together. So good!”

Ian sat up and blinked at the man as he scampered off to go get plates from his kitchen. He watched as he came back, almost skipping to the couch and began divvying out donuts on each of them. He turned to his friend, all smiles, and offered him one of the plates.

“Well, I am starving. Thank you. I need something to settle my stomach.”

Ben nodded sagely. “Did you get a little sick?”

At that comment he scoffed. “I beg your pardon? What am I? Seventeen? I'm no amateur, sir! I do not get sick!”

Munching on a powder covered donut and mouth still full of food, he said, “Mumf fum Rumff mmm.”

“What? I'm sorry but if you want me to understand you, try swallowing first.”

So he did. “I said, that's quite an accomplishment!”

“I need some coffee.” Ian clamped his hands over his face once more, feeling like his looming headache might never go away.

Outside his balcony, the sounds of birds cawing and chirping were really starting to get to him. He took a few savage bites of one of the glazed donuts before standing up to head to the kitchen. Ben happily continued munching on his plate on donuts.

Flipping the light switch, the room was immediately bathed in a simple glow of white light, causing the professor to wince until his eyes adjusted. He began banging around the coffee maker, filling it with the proper amount of water and measuring out the coffee grounds.

“Hey, do you think we can go to the aquarium later?” Ben called from the living room.

The coffee maker sprang to life and Ian silently prayed it wouldn't take too long. Walking back over to where the man was sitting, he collapsed back down on the couch. “Sorry?”

“I want to go to the aquarium.” He said again, though this time much quieter and more hesitant.

“Okay, well I guess we could. I kind of wanted to relax... ”

Ben stared down at his half eaten plate of food. “Oh. Okay.”

Ian paused in his chowing down to take in the subtle expression of his friend. He set the donut down on the plate and put the plate down on the table. The man looked absolutely crestfallen and that wouldn't do. He didn't want that, not at all. What was this man even doing to him? “Well, maybe it would be nice to get out and do something new.”

“Really?” Ben beamed and it was all Ian could do not to give in to his baser emotions and throw his arms around the man to hug him close. He fought the urge mightily. 

“Yeah, well you know, I'm a curmudgeon or so I've been told so sure, let's do it.”

“Aw, it's gonna be so fun!”

Ian took in the way the asian man was all smiles once more and felt something tug at his heart strings. The man may be annoying but god, if he didn't want to be in charge of keeping that ecstatic look on his face forever more.

As Ben went back to munching on his donuts, a horrific thought came about in his mind. He was falling for him. He... liked him. Not just liked... liked liked.

He felt like he was in high school again and not in a good way seeing as high school was never good to him.

“You gonna eat that?” The man cheerfully asked him, pointing at a chocolate and sprinkle covered donut on his plate.

He speechlessly shook his head and watched as the man grabbed that to eat as well.

Something inside of his chest felt warm and pleasant at the thought that they could spend every saturday morning just this way if he wanted. He tried to ignore the way the implication of his staying over every friday night made him feel hot under the collar.

Soon, the coffee maker began beeping loudly from in the kitchen and the man leapt to his feet. “Oh, thank god!”

He scampered off to grab a cup, feeling far too hungover and not caffeinated enough to deal with the thoughts he was having.

He couldn't breathe. This couldn't be happening. Not to him... not with him. Please, not with him.


	6. Pay For What You Get

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Everybody asks me how she's doing  
> Has she really lost her mind?  
> I said, I couldn't tell you  
> I've lost mine
> 
> Words, words, words, have you heard  
> A bird in hand is much better than  
> Any number free to wander  
> Fly away... stay  
> You pay for what you get  
> You pay for what you get"   
> \--Pay For What You Get, Dave Matthews Band

Monday morning swung back round again, and yet again, Professor Ian Duncan was battling a mighty headache courtesy of another hangover. He could have sworn he had given up the stuff and yet here we were.

Saturday had passed by in a turn of unforeseen events which ended with him and one Ben Chang exploring the local aquarium and then dining at a little mexican bistro nearby. He'd hate to admit it but he'd actually had a great time. There were lots of interesting fish to look at and sharks too! Their meal had been simple and probably didn't resemble anything close to mexican cuisine, as Ben remarked several times but Ian had enjoyed it none the less.

That night, Ben had slept on his couch once more and Ian had firmly shut the door on any opportunities for anything naughty to happen by feigning sickness and drowsiness and heading to bed early.

Sunday they'd actually agreed to spend some time apart, allowing for him to actually sort out all of the confusing feelings inside his head. Ben had mentioned something about an art class and Ian had lied and explained he had family business to attend to. Now, the fact that all of his family lay strictly in england was besides the point. The man had accepted this and asked no questions. He'd seemed okay with spending the night somewhere else for once which was interesting. Ian hated that his jealous mind spurred him to ask him just where he was staying and he had nearly had to bite his own tongue to keep his mouth from forming those words.

Sunday was hell for him. Sunday night, well, that was an epic disaster in and of itself. His sorting through his thoughts and concerns about the asian man was precisely why he had woken up with a massive hangover. Fearing what couldn't possibly be true, his falling for the formerly disgraced teacher, he had turned to just one simple bottle of chardonnay. Promising just to have a glass or two to calm his nerves, that had quickly turned to draining the bottle and turning to a second followed by fully dressed tequila shots over his kitchen stove as he stood, barely able to stay on his feet. He hadn't really sorted through anything to say the least and considered the night a wash. He'd try again later.

Ian slowly walked down the halls of Greendale Community College, swiftly avoiding stares of students and keeping an ear out for that damn annoying Dean. That was the last thing he needed this early in the morning, a lecture.

Wincing at the bright lights that taunted him from up above, he held a hand to his face to gently try to block the annoyance out. 

As he approached the mail room and began sorting through the various letters in his mailbox, he became aware of quietly approaching footsteps from behind him. He turned around, praying that he hadn't been cornered by the Dean only to find the very man he'd been hoping to avoid.

“Hi.” Ben said sheepishly, waving shyly as he stood, hands clasped behind his back and a big grin on his face.

How on earth was he so damned cheerful this early?

“Hello... “ Ian mumbled, turning back to his mail in hopes to end the conversation before it started.

“So... uh, I had a nice time saturday.”

The brit turned back to his friend, friend... was that what he was calling him now? He turned back to Ben and noticed the way he was sort of rocking back and forth on his heels, a look of giddiness painting his whole face alight.

Ian frowned. This wasn't happening. “Uh... sure.” He continued ignoring him or trying to and pretending to read through some idiotic flyer about Greendale's next upcoming dance.

Ben bit his lip. “So, maybe we can go out tonight again? Maybe try a different mexican place? That place was just-”

The taller man interrupted him, wanting to get as far away from the conversation and man as possible. “Uh, actually, no... see, I'm busy tonight. Sorry.” He let his eyes travel past the man who was now just blocking him from escaping to the hallway and on to his office.

Ben's eyes widened as Ian could see he was beginning to panic as he spoke faster and faster. “Uh, well that's okay! Maybe we can just do lunch! I know this great place, it's right by-”

“Nope! Gotta go, I've gotta... uh, meeting Jeff for lunch. So, yeah... uh, bye!”

The professor escaped past him and down the hallway, unwilling to check behind him to see if he had in fact followed after. He reasoned it was for the best that he just stay far away from the man until he figured everything out. Best not to lead the poor chap on, after all, this was nothing more than some silly little crush, brought on by the fact that the brit had very, very few relationships in the first place. It was normal to project feelings that absolutely were not there on to this man.

So, why couldn't he stop thinking about the man's lips on his own, the way it felt when they made out on his couch in his tiny apartment? Why couldn't he stop imagining what it'd be like for the man to live with him permanently so that they could build a life together, as shitty as that would be?

Wait, what was he saying?! Build a life together?!

Ian slammed the door to his office shut and leaned against it. It was too damn early in the morning for feelings and he was too hungover.

He spied a bottle of merlot unopened on his desk, just waiting for him. It was adorned with a bright red bow and he had the sneaking suspicion that this was the work of the very man he was trying to forget.

As he approached it cautiously, he reached out to read the little card on the side. 'From: Ben'. Of course.

Ian took a deep breath. This wasn't happening. He wasn't falling for the man. He wouldn't allow himself.

…

It was a freeing feeling, the idea that you could be anyone you wanted to be, that at any point in your life you have the capability to just start over and be whoever you want.

Ben “Kevin” Chang had been given such opportunity and he didn't plan on screwing it up. No, he was going to live. He was going to enjoy his life for once and be who he really was, instead of just covering up himself and being whoever those around him wanted him to be.

Except... except that meant accepting the fact that his newfound friend wanted nothing to do with him. And that was okay, right? Adults accepted that, mature men accepted that. He was a new man. He was “Kevin” Chang and he was different now.

"Are you... are you crying?" The british man that sat across from him asked incredulously.

He wiped a hand across his face sloppily to get rid of the tears and sniffled, scrunching his face up in an ugly way. "No... "

Ian blinked at him, then looked around the study room in shock. They were the only two left after their committee meeting, everyone else having bolted with thoughts of better places to be on their minds.

It was remarkable that he had been roped into this whole thing in the first place. He'd like to think that he had better ways of spending his time like the others but he could no longer lie to himself. It was why he had come back to the U.S. in the first place.

He sighed, fearing it was no use, of course he was going to be the one who had to deal with this. And here, he'd thought he'd gotten off scot-free this morning. But no, of course he had been forced to attend this stupid meeting by Winger. "What's wrong?" He asked, preparing himself mentally with an excuse as to why he had to get home.

Ben wasted no time in pretense and immediately jumped to his feet, babbling. "You guys are all so lucky! You have friends, you have places to go! What do I have?! Nothing! Kevin has no one!"

The professor stared speechless at him for a moment. "Well, look, that's not true. You have friends-"

"No I don't!" He interrupted. "I don't have anyone!"

Ian shrugged, crossing his arms and leaning against the table. "Well, it's not like I have an active and busy social life. I mean I... I don't even have any friends. You're one of my closest friends. I've known you for years!"

Ben blinked up at him slowly, a small and hopeful smile crossing over his face as his tears stopped. "R-really? You think I'm your friend?"

Ian allowed himself to smile a little, content with the privacy of the room and the fact that most students and faculty had already vacated the school grounds. “Sure. We're friends, right?”

He watched as the man nodded enthusiastically and stepped closer to him. "We are, aren't we? I just thought... you know, with you brushing me off this morning... "

The psychologist looked troubled then. "Oh, uh, well... you see-"

Ben stepped closer to him, eyes slightly manic as he interrupted him. “I just... I really like hanging out with you and I know, I know, I know I'm so weird and strange and-”

“No... “ Ian half-heatedly tried to disagree but left the statement hanging in the air, still troubled by how close the man was getting.

“I just... I like you. You're so... alive.”

The professor was puzzled at the adjective and he scrunched up his face in confusion. “Are... are you saying your other relationships involve... dead people?”

“No!” Ben giggled like it was the funniest thing in the world. “No, of course not!” 

Ian forced a chuckle, not entirely convinced of the man's performance and denial. He watched, alarmingly as Ben marched even closer to him, poking him in the chest, well as best he could, seeing their height difference and all.

"Hey! Maybe I can come over tonight and we can watch The Vampire Diaries and have texmex and-"

Ian tried to slam the gate closed immediately on the man's sudden latching to him once more, quickly making his way over towards the exit and away from Chang. "Actually, I do have a prior engagement and I'm never really been a fan of American TV! Maybe another time?"

He began to exit before hearing the man's shaky voice respond from behind him. He needn't even turn around to know the look that now graced the man's face.

"Oh, I get it. You... you don't want to watch Vampire Diaries with me." The man sounded sad and distant, his voice growing monotone, so different from the way he'd been over the last week. Ian hated himself for making him feel that way, but what choice did he have? He couldn't get involved.

Ian took a deep, heaving sigh, before spinning back around. He looked at the way Ben was staring, unhappily, at his feet, gripping the worn out fabric of one of the library chairs in dismay.

This man, he was going to be the end of him. Why did he care so much? He didn't care about anyone, not even himself. Why care about Ben Chang?

Never mind, the psychology of it, he'd just have to figure that part out later. For now, all he wanted was to bring a smile back to his face. And damn the consequences.

“Actually, I was just going to go home and eat some microwaved pizza pockets. You know... because I'm a garbage person. You should... you should come over and join me. You know, if you like microwave food.”

Ben waved him off, looking miserable as he began to stalk away from him and out of the library. “No, no. It's fine. I get it.”

“No, really! I don't... I don't have plans. Not really. You should come over. Also, I have a fluffy robe that you might be interested in. It helps on rainy days like this one. It's... really comfy.”

The shorter man paused in the exit, turning to look at the psychologist hopefully. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Ian shrugged. “Come over. We can eat sad pizza pockets together. And... you know, watch that weird vampire thing.”

“Okay... “ Ben grinned sheepishly and Ian tried not to think about the way it made his heart flutter in his chest. “Okay! Yeah! And I'll bring the marijuana!”

“Sure... “ Ian nodded, turning to follow the man out the door as he muttered to himself, “It's not like that had consequences last time. Let's do that again.”

…

After several hours of mindless TV, the smoking of bowls and yes, garbage food, Ian found himself being pinned down onto the couch once again by none other than Ben Chang. The homicidal maniac Ben Chang. The former dictator, or so he'd heard, Ben Chang. The psychopath with Changnesia, Ben Chang.

But as the man's tongue swirled around and around against his own in his mouth, he found that he'd began to care less and less. He moved his hands up to gently grasp at the man's back, pushing him further down towards him as they made out.

In the background, a football game played but he was far too distracted to pay attention to the score. Ben pulled away, beginning to kiss down his neck in the most delicious way, nipping and sucking on the tender flesh.

They were both still fully clothed, thank god, or else this might get way too out of hand. No, for now, he was content with what this was, just a make out session, just two men who had too much to drink and smoke who liked the way it felt. Let's be honest, they were both hurting for company and pleasurable company this was. He hoped that's all this was.

As Ben continued kissing down his neck and onto his chest, he began sliding up his sweater clad shirt, causing him to nearly jump out of his skin at the contact. “Whoa! Hey! Okay... what are you doing?!”

The chinese man paused, sitting up fully so that he was just straddling his hips with his own, a fact that Ian tried to desperately ignore as he stared up at him.

“I thought we were gonna have sex?” Ben said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it was.

Ian shook his head drastically, trying to dislodge the man's pelvis from his own now. “No, no! No! We are not! Why... why?!”

“Because it'd be awesome?”

The psychologist began sitting all the way up, desperate to knock the man completely off of him and onto the floor if necessary. “No! Get off!”

Ben got up willingly, though confused as he watched the englishman stand up himself and begin to pace away from him, wanting as much space between them as possible.

“Wait... so you don't... want to have sex?” Ben asked puzzled.

The professor gaped at him, working his mouth like a fish, unable to come up with a suitable answer. Finally he exhaled harshly and shook his head. “No! No, I do not, Ben!”

“Oh... okay.” Ben nodded, seemingly satisfied with this answer as he sat down on the couch once more to pay attention to the soccer game on TV. 

Ian just stared at him as he began to munch on the bowl of potato chips laid on the coffee table there in front of him. He drank some of the water he had too, as the drymouth was starting to get to him.

Maybe he was too high for this, maybe he wasn't drunk enough but something about this whole night was off for Ian. He danced around on his two feet, unsure of what to do next, where to go and what actions to take. Finally, he scooped up his phone from the nearby table and headed to his room, shutting the door for privacy.

He dialed up the only friend he could think of: Jeff Winger.

The man grumbled a greeting from the other end and Ian began speaking a mile a minute. “Jeff! Oh my god! I have to talk to you. Okay, look, I'm here with Ben and-”

“Chang?” Jeff interrupted, confused.

“Yes! Ben Chang! Keep up! Okay? So he's here in my apartment and I-”

“Why is he in your apartment?” Jeff interrupted again, sounding sleepy and not all there attention wise. 

It must be late. He hadn't given the time of night a thought at all and as he glanced at his alarm clock on the nightstand, he realized it was nearer to midnight that he'd first thought.

Ian groaned in frustration and continued urgently whispering as he gave paranoid glances at his shut bedroom door. The possibility of the man knocking down the door and tackling him to the bed seemed more and more likely as each second ticked on. If the man would only shut up and listen to him so he could get one single sentence out then maybe he could figure this whole thing out. 

“Jeff! I need your help! Listen! Ben is here and we smoked a bowl or... five, I dunno, so we started making out on the couch-”

“WHAT?!” His friend shouted and he winced, wondering if the man in his living room could hear him over the phone. “You what?!”

“Look, I don't have time to explain. I just need to know... “

“Yes? What, Duncan?!” Jeff was all ears now that the englishman had dropped a bomb on him.

“I just... what do I do?”

“I suggest you throw him out and you go to bed because you've... obviously had way too much to drink and smoke probably. I don't know.”

Ian nodded, eyes squinting in concentration at what he probably, definitely needed to do. He also needed a glass of water because it felt like his mouth and tongue were in the middle of a desert. “Yes... okay.”

“Hello?!” Jeff exclaimed as the englishman abruptly ended the call, leaving him to only imagine what was happening next. Tomorrow would be interesting.

…

Ian made his way back to the living room, taking in the image of Ben sleeping, curled up in the crook of the couch, the game still playing on the television. The psychologist cocked his head to the side, feeling safe now that the man was asleep to really take in the image of him. He really was cute and harmless asleep like this.

Ian looked at the glasses of water on the table, thinking the man must have gotten up to refill his along with his own while he was gone. How considerate. He downed it in one gulp before shutting off the game and going to gather a blanket and pillow for the man.

Tucking him into the couch lightly, he took one last look at the man who was giving his normal day to day routine a run for it's money. He sighed deeply, shaking his head at what was becoming of his life before heading off to bed to sleep it off. Tomorrow was another day.


End file.
